


In Love with Dusk

by coolest



Series: ashes to ashes, dust to dust verse [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8112547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolest/pseuds/coolest
Summary: (To Louis, danger looks a lot like love and love just so happens to look a lot like Harry.)





	1. I love and I love and I love

**Author's Note:**

> forgive me for this, idek what i was trying to do but tbh i really hope you guys like this bc i really do. 
> 
> Title Cred goes to: Keep Shelley In Athens 
> 
> (u and i both know 1D don't belong to me and blah blah etc u know the drill) 
> 
> ily guys! enjoy! btw i haven't proof read any of this so father forgive me for the mistakes i make in this i tried my best but I'm so fucking lazy 
> 
> listen to: 1) God is Fair, Sexy Nasty by Mac Miller & Kendrick Lamar  
> 2) Good Intentions by Disclosure ft Miguel  
> 3) Nights by Frank Ocean  
> 4) Sunday by Earl Sweatshirt  
> 5) Pilot Jones by Frank Ocean  
> as you read this bc i listened to those songs and they helped a lot and you know add to the mood if you get what i mean 
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: toxic relationships and idk I can't find anymore but if please don't hesitate to inform me of any warnings that i might've missed in the comments bc i care about you all and i don't want to upset anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

The problem begins when Louis is born. 

His life begins ten days too early. His life begins and the world goes silent. 

Sometimes, whether she’s in a room full of people or completely alone, his mum still tells him that she can still hear the piercing sound of his cries punching a hole through the atmosphere.

 

 

What makes someone brave? 

Is courage found in the heart or mind? 

Why do some people turn towards danger whereas others run away from it? 

This is the fascinating psychology of bravery:

Neuroscientists say that somewhere in between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, otherwise known as the focal point of fear, the manifestation of bravery occurs constantly- all the time. In dangerous or unexpected situations, the amygdala sends a signal to the prefrontal cortex, which interferes with people’s ability to make clear, rational, decisions and this is normally the part when people run away. 

The brave, however, don’t succumb to fear and this is where the strength of people like Louis lie- in their honesty, empathy and resilience. To Louis, there is no difference between bravery and stupidity. They’re one in the same thing. You cannot be one thing without being the other.

 

Courage lives in the spaces between Louis’ titanium bones. Impulse and excessive amounts of too many feelings course through his bloodstream. Louis wears his fearlessness like a second skin. His heart is made up of all the same materials and elements that make up the mass of the sun. 

 

 

His mum (still) always worries about him. She thinks this is going to kill him. She wants him to stop. She says he fights too much, he works too much and loves too much and she wants him to “stop sharing so much with the world my love, not everyone is going to love the way you love.” She wants him to stop being so honest; she wants him to apologize more often, even when he doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t know why he’s so empathetic and why he never wants to listen. She wants him to do what he’s supposed to do, which is what everyone else is doing. She thinks he’s too whimsical, too explosive and too hot and too full of love and “I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

His mum doesn’t understand why he does a lot of the things he does but then again, neither does he. She says he’s too impulsive, she hates the way he lets himself feel everything all at once at such excessive amounts. 

She thinks it’ll kill him. And maybe it will, but it hasn’t happened yet. 

 

One night, when Louis’ high out of his mind on the balcony of an apartment too loud and full of people he doesn’t know, Zayn asks him why. 

And Louis explains it to Zayn like this; 

Danger, to him, looks a lot like love and love just so happens to look a lot like Harry. This is why it hurts.

 

1\. (The brave do not succumb to fear)   
2\. (There is no difference between stupidity and bravery.)

 

Harry doesn’t know how to love people, but he does know how to love Louis and this why it hurts.

 

The first time they met wasn’t actually the first time they met. 

Still, Louis didn’t run away even when he knew he should’ve. His mind had screamed RUN but he never moved from where he’d been standing in front of Harry, despite the adrenaline pulsing through his blood. Louis knows danger when he sees it and that night, for what had been the first time in all his nineteen years of living, danger had come to him in the form of something beautiful- a gangly boy with curly hair and pink, pink lips.

 

Explain this: 

\- Explain how Louis is ever meant to forget how fucking luminous Harry’s eyes had looked that night? 

 

(Louis can still remember looking at Harry and being completely taken away by the amount of stories littered all across his body. He can remember looking at the healing wounds and fresh bruises on Harry’s knuckles and thinking it’d be something beautiful to add to the poem he’d inevitably write once they’d fallen in love and ripped each other to shreds.)

 

(Louis can still remember the way Harry had fingered him that night- hard, fast and just so fucking right- against the wall of a room inside the house that the party had been held in. Louis had never come that hard in his life.)

 

(Sometimes, whether he’s in a room full of people or by himself, Louis can still taste the blood on his lips.)

 

What makes people brave? 

 

NOW: 

Harry loves to fuck Louis hard.

Louis loves it when Harry fucks him hard with a hand around his neck. 

They both get off on leaving marks and scratches and bruise’s on each other’s bodies- visible for everyone to see and know that they belong to each other, despite it all the problems- all the reasons why this hurts. 

(So many people told him to run away.) 

 

Louis loves Harry in all the multiple ways you can love another soul.

He looks at Harry and his heart both swells with love and clenches in pain. 

Louis doesn’t know why he’s still with him. 

Maybe it’s the way Harry looks at him- like he means something. Maybe it’s the way they fight- loud with flying dishes and words they say never mean anything but actually do. Maybe it’s the way they fuck- hard and fast and rough, with low grunts and too loud moans that tear apart at their hearts. Maybe it’s the times when they make love, when Harry thrusts into him slow and nice while he scrapes his teeth along Louis’ jawline and gets them both off on Louis chanting his love for him like a mantra into the space of his neck.

Maybe it’s the possibility that this could all end in havoc.


	2. and I never know how to stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Louis knows how it feels to hurt and he also knows how to feels to heal.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second and last part of this depressing thing i've written)

It’s 03:15 in the morning. Someone is knocking on the door. This is the first sound he hears when his eyes fly open. The second sound he hears is the sound of his heart shattering in his ears. This is a sound he’s grown accustomed to over the last five years. 

Louis knows how it feels to hurt and he also knows how it feels to heal. He’s been doing this for years now. His heart has broken so many damn times and it’s always just when he’s okay that he relapses back to what caused him such great pain in the beginning. 

Is it always going to feel like this? 

It’s 03:21 in the morning and Harry blinks down at him with large vibrant green eyes. There’s a bruise blooming around his left eye and a bit of swelling forming right below it. He’s so fucking dumb but god, Louis loves him so much. 

“Can I come in?” 

Louis shakes his head no but opens the door even wider anyway. He’s young and he’s stupid and he’s in love with someone who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Harry reminds him of Mars, of Ares- the Greek God of War. Louis’ tired of fighting a battle he’ll never win. 

He’s an old soul. Sometimes it feels as if he’s lived through too many lifetimes to have to deal with Harry again in this one- the lifetime we he’d promised himself he’d find someone new, be someone new, do new things and love new people. But here he is. Again. He can’t believe he’s doing all of this all over again. Fuck. 

Harry walks past him, leaving behind a trail of snow and dirty rain. Louis mopped the floor this morning. He closes the door and closes his eyes too, heart expanding too much in his chest. “Stop.” He mutters, leaning his head against the door and trying to hold back tears. Everything hurts. 

Is it always going to be like this?

Louis turns around at the sound of Harry’s jacket hitting the corner of the couch. He’s so beautiful. Louis doesn’t know how to not love him. He walks up to him, slow and deliberate because you never know if Harry wants to love you or devour you- but then again, there’s a thin line between love and hunger. 

“C’mere baby, please.” Harry pleads and that’s all Louis needs before he’s engulfing him in a hug, arms wrapped tightly around his body and face pressed into the crooks of his neck. 

How do you unlearn all the ways you’ve learnt to love someone in after so many years, so many centuries and life times and memories spent together? Louis is bitter and his body feels as if it’s been set o fire but he loves Harry- loves him despite everything they’ve done. He’s loved him since the beginning of time and maybe even before that, when the galaxy they know now was nothing but nothing and not the everything they know now as everything. 

This is it for them. 

“Lou…” Harry whispers into Louis’ hair, hand pressed against the back of his head. “I-

“Shut the fuck up.” Louis cuts him off. He hates how weak his voice sounds, how different and softer the words come out as opposed to how harsh they’d sounded in his head. He hates how much he fucking loves this boy- his boy. Every feeling he feels for Harry is too much, too great, too tragic. 

Louis’ heart is too big. He loves too much and too hard. He loves with reckless abandon and this is the problem, Zayn always tells him, this is why it hurts. 

(This is why this hurts.) Harry breathes out when Louis breathes in. He smells of smoke, rain, danger and New York City. 

(This is why it hurts.) He’s humming loudly to the tune of their favourite song, ‘Space Oddity’ by David Bowie. Louis joins him and his heart feels stuck in his throat. 

(This is why it hurts.) Outside, a car honks. 

(This is why this hurts.) 

They’ve spread themselves inside out on the floor, beside each other, bare and open. There is nothing left to hide. They pull and they poke and they twist at each other. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s what they need. 

Zayn always tells him to leave Harry but Louis can’t. He would if he could but Harry’s all he’s ever known and, to be honest, Harry’s all he ever wants to know. 

They’ve burn burning beside each other since the beginning of it all. Louis doesn’t think they’ll ever stop. (This is the problem.) 

“You’re so fucking stupid.” Louis blurts out suddenly, heart beating too fast in his chest. His face is pressed against Harry’s chest. He wonders if Harry can feel him losing his mind. He wouldn’t be surprised if he could. “I hate you so fucking much.” 

Harry lets out a bark of laughter, the sound too loud in the previously once silent room. They both know he’s lying. Instead of calling him out on his lies, Harry lifts Louis’ chin so that they’re looking at each other and meets Louis’ lips in a deep kiss. 

They aren’t good for each other and it’s hard to believe they ever were. But still, Louis kisses him back. He clings onto the wet material of Harry’s coat and lets him bruise his lips red because they are all they’ve ever known. Louis’ loved him since the creation of fucking everything. He knows knowing else but this. 

The way Harry presses his fingers into the flesh of his waist makes him feel more alive than he’s ever felt. 

(This is the problem.)  
(This is why it hurts.) 

They will fight and fuck and one of them will leave promising that this is it- the final straw, the end of the end, the end of the world- but then something will happen in the universe and they’ll find themselves back together and things will never have time to heal before all his forgiven. Harry will graze his lips over the love bites he’s littered across Louis’ chest and whisper things like; “mine, mine, mine” or “I love you so fucking much. I don’t know how to love anyone else the way I love you” or, the worst, “Please never leave me. This shit is everything to me” 

And Louis will stay. He won’t run away like he knows he always should. He’ll stay and tell him he loves him through everything. Then he’ll bare his neck and let Harry fuck him against every solid surface in their damn apartment. 

“I’m sorry.” 

(This is why it hurts.) 

“You always are.” 

(This is the problem.) 

“So are you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awe

**Author's Note:**

> hope you guys enjoyed this!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> pls comment and kudos this if u liked it bc it'd mean to absolute world to me!!
> 
> love always, L xx


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